Broken Road: Dear Future Husband

I set out on a narrow way many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

That every long lost dream lead me to where you are

Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

I first heard this song by a Christian group called SELAH but later found out that this song was originally by Rascal Flatts because of the Hannah Montana Movie (Thanks Miley).   Actually SELAH's version, they are talking about God and Rascal is singing about a lover. I believe naturally and spiritually that this is my life's song.  Even though I have literally been in two OFFICIAL relationships, the journey that started at the end of Spring 2003 to present has shown me plenty of "Northern Stars". 

The "Northern Stars" aka "Dear Guy Friend" are the men that taught me lessons about myself and opened my eyes to the unhealthy cycle that I had with each of them.  I am not mad or bitter because, if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be writing about it today (hehe). 

What's a Northern Star you asked?
Northern Star or The North Star was used before we had maps and the GPS.  Slaves used the North star to find their way to freedom.  The North Star pointed to the direction of Baby Jesus. The North Star was just a guide to get to one's next or final destination. 

Since the inception of this blog (November 1, 2016), I have written 3 letters to those of my past and present and I am finally at a point where I can write a letter to my Husband.  I strongly believe that one day I will be someone's wife; not just because it is an on going trend but a calling.  God called Adam and Eve,  Abraham and Sarah, Issac and Rebekah, Mary and Joseph,  Michelle and Barack, Cheryl  Elaine and Joseph Willis Parker (My parents) and the list goes on and on.  Each couple, though flawed, God ordained these couples to be together. 

*Inhale...Exhale...Inserts Smile*

Dear Future Husband,

I have been waiting for you.  Every time a man came into my life, I thought he was you; Me having daddy issues mixed with a strong desire to be married and to be a wife will do that to a woman. But nonetheless, God has given me the grace to make it this far and I know all of my lessons were not in vain.  I so look forward to getting to know you as a friend and our relationship evolving into a lifetime union where we would be an empire together for our offspring's offspring.  I always imagined us working together as a team with our businesses and just living life as God intended us to live it.  I know there won't be all sunny days but as Johnny Gill said "Can you weather the storm?" I believe that we can. And anyway, with storms, always comes a rainbow. Showing God's promise to us, that He continues to keep His Word.

BUT IN THE MEAN TIME, I will be FINALLY allowing myself to live my life and explore the world as I should have been doing during this time of singleness. Living my life! Pure and Holy and having a ball!  I will be continuing to work on myself holistically and continue to focus on my relationship with our Father. 

Living my Life like its Golden!

About a month ago, I'd broken up with "Dear Guy Friend" because I am tired of snacking on cookies, chips and crackers and gaining unnecessary weight. I want YOU! My full course/healthy balance meal that will nourish me and fill me up physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  

I am excited when God reveals us to each other.  I will continue to pray for you and our union.  I love you!

P.S.  My family is going to love you!

I Love You with all of my heart,

Your Wife

Dear Guy Friend: The Last installment

Dear Guy Friend,

I noticed a pattern and it's not with you, it is with me; I tell you that I want to be friends, JUST FRIENDS but when things boils down, we get into a situation.  Mentally, emotionally and physically we connect and are having a great time but I totally contradict what I say.  You know, so I am not even going to go down the list.  Yes, we have GREAT chemistry and we get along so well, so why can't we just keep it platonic? I'll tell you why, because I do not know how to say NO.  Listen, 14 years of singleness and wanting to stay pure and holy is a hard thing to do...but it's doable.  





I have realized that with you my guy friend, I put you in this category of  a potential husband right away!  So after long conversations and a hangout or two, I am ready to fall in love, settle down and wait for things to pop off ;relationship, engagement, marriage and the baby! I am such a hopeless romantic and I picture what who where why and how and none of those scenarios in my mind are of God's plans.  

Sorry but this is funny

 You are like the Northern star; bright and beautiful but pointing to the direction that leads to where my final destination is. Ouch...that hurts for even me to say that but unfortunately its true. 

  What I should be using is the Lamp to light my path so that I may use wisdom and faith  while on this road.  

I have been a people pleaser and man chaser for too long because I haven't trust God enough to bless me with a partner that he created and design just for me.  I promise you, I am not blaming you in any way, I am blaming my brokenness and my lack of faith.  I know I know, I am human and humans need relationships, they need that bond and connection, however, I know God isn't the author of confusion.   


This is my last letter to you because I have to FINALLY end this unhealthy relationship with you. I like you as a friend. I know and YOU know that is all we are. Don't get me wrong, you are an amazing person and a great friend to have. You talk to me and treat me in such a way that you are my HusBae (rhyming...corny I know). You  have  also taught me a lot about myself; how I am caring, compassionate, sometimes selfish, lacking control , and not holding up to the standards I gave myself.  It's time for me to move pass this part of my life, this cycle I keep putting myself in with you, allowing you to be a fill in before he actually comes around.  It's not fair for the both of us, so  I am letting go and moving forward on this single road of mine.  

I love you 

God bless you

Goodbye. 

BE FREE NEN! ENJOY THE JOURNEY WHILE YOU HAVE TIME

Signed,

A Single Christian Woman who is RECLAIMING HER TIME AND LIFE

The NOT Stepford Single

For the past few months I haven't written about  anything because I haven't had anything that I felt that was worthy of writing.  I would usually get something from God but I think when life happens, then as a blogger I should write it down.  For the past few months, I haven't been where I would want to be or should be; financially, physically, holy, etc.  I wish there was a reset button but hey, this is life! You want your life to go a certain way, you want to be a certain image, you want to have a certain status but life happens, and you get the lessons.

The Christian couples that I see on YouTube and other social medias that I look up to, I wanted to be like them; I want to be like Heather and Cornelius Lindsey be in a relationship and not kiss until I say I DO. I want to be like Natasha and Jamal Miller (Married and Young) where they met on Facebook and they did it God's way without the comprising and lowering standards. Or even the Browns, Ashley (Ashley Empowers) and Carrignton (The Fit Pastor), where they met on IG and even though they messed up, they made a decision to do it God's way and now they are happily married with a beautiful baby girl and doing their thing in the ministry!

I still do want to be like them but I have to remember, I AM NOT THEM. I have my own journey to walk.  My journey consist of me learning about ME and how to live my life as God wants me to live it.  A lot times I feel hypocritical because, I know what God's word said, "My (His) Grace is Sufficient", "God gives us a way of escape", "God has not given us a spirit of Fear...", "I am MORE than a conqueror" and yet I still  fall into the traps of the flesh; whether it be fear, laziness, lust, sex, etc. I have to realize that I am not perfect but I want to be because all eyes are on me.  Well, I feel that all eyes are on me, so I want to paint this pretty picture of me overcoming things in the past and still I fall at times.

I beat myself down because of it.  I want to please God and I want to please people.  Why do I have this unrealistic standard of me pleasing people? I honestly thought I was over that but every time I make a mistake, I take the whip and hit myself, then put a crown of thorns on my head, then beat and spit on myself, then forced myself to drag a old rugged cross to my death and nail myself to that cross to be crucified.  That's how I feel and I put blame on others for my mistakes.  For that, I Repent.

And I'm not the only one. Your struggle may not be mine struggle, but at times, we do this to ourselves and we don't have to because it was already done over 2000 years ago by our Precious Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.


As Paul asked God THREE TIMES to take this thorn out of my flesh, God said to him, "My Grace is sufficient". God is saying that our struggles (lying, cheating, lustful thoughts, doubting, fearfulness, etc.) may be there but His Grace is enough to help us get through it (Thanks Elder Farrow).  God's unmerited Grace that saved me from my sins, as the song says "He looked beyond my faults and saw my needs".  He saw that I needed a Savior that would intercede on my behalf because he knows my present and future.


The past is behind me. There is no need to punish myself, but to repent and move forward with wisdom.

My Vows

This past May (2017) marked my 14 year of singleness and I feel good about it. Do I want a companionship? Of course I do but over the years I have learned and I have said this in my previous posts that my relationship with others especially romantic relationships will not be as awesome as it should be if my relationship with God isn't growing and progressing as it should ; Just  the basic things such as forgiveness, patience and accepting someone for who they are the things that God has in our relationship and I have to produce those same traits towards people.

Some may agree with me and some may not but hey, this is my real life story and this is what works for me.

I entitled this post "My Vows" because not only did I cross over into my fourteenth year of singleness but in June, I celebrated my 32nd birthday! GO ME! 32 years of life is amazing and 14 years of singleness is even more amazing! LOL! But because of my milestones, I wanted to write vows.  Now normally you hear vows at a wedding and one day (God's Will), my friends and family will be hearing my vows to my husband at the altar but today, I am going to write out vows for ME.

Vows are promises and promises are hard to keep and sometimes we fail at keeping them but we strive to keep those promises and do out best to do better and be better.  I want to promise my 32 year old single self these following things:




I vow to myself  continue and always KEEP GOD FIRST. without Him, I would be NOTHING.

  I vow to myself to live the life that God intended me to live life. As we can see that life is way too short and it seems to get shorter, I want the opportunities that I see people on my social media has (traveling, building successful businesses, eating good food, etc.). I do my best not to get down on myself for not getting out of my comfort zone.  IT'S TIME TO GET OUT AND EXPLORE THE WORLD!

I vow to myself that I will love myself unconditionally holistically: Physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and economically! I have to get that credit score up!







I vow to myself that I will finish what I have started.  Procrastination , laziness, and fear has no authority over me and I proclaim the name of Jesus that I will be Productive, Proactive, and Fearless!








I vow to myself to step out of my comfort zone.  My Health/Wealth, networking, building business partners, stepping up into ministry is vital.









I vow to keep in contact with my family and friends on a consistent basics.  I am really bad with the "Out of Sight, Out of Mind" but I vow to myself to DO BETTER.

I vow to try something new...there goes that getting out of my comfort zone again.

I vow to pray more, meditate, and study more.  My spirit woman needs it and my relationship with God will benefit from it.

I vow to read more.  I never was a big reader (love movies) but there are so many great reads out there for education, development, and entertainment.

I vow to myself that in three months today (October 21, 2017) that 13 Years and Counting will be on Amazon, eBay, other book sites and in bookstores! I believe and receive it!

Year 14

It's been 14 years, 168 months, and 5,110 days since I have been an official relationship. It was two weeks before Senior Prom when I broke up with my HS boyfriend; not because he hurt me or he was a bad boyfriend but because I "fell out of love". Give me a break guys, I was only 17 and pretty immature. Now here I am 14 years later writing about my singleness, that's something.



 Some would think something is wrong with me or something is wrong with the men but its neither.  If you know me personally or know me through my social media and this blog, you know that I am a Unapologetic Christian. I Luh God!

My philosophy of life is "Everything Happens For A Reason" and for me to be single for this long it is for a reason.  These past 14 years I have learned so many things about myself and the lessons that God allowed me to go through; some I had to repeat the courses because I didn't get it the first few times but now I am more vigilant, a little more wiser, and because of those lessons (and repeated lessons) God has grew me into the woman of God that I am today.

Do I still make mistakes? Of course, I am Human (I am Groot)

, I was born to make error (Psalm 51:5), that is why I believe in God that loves me, that love US SO much that He gave up His  only beloved Son to sacrifice Himself for US so that we can be reconnected back with The Truth and Living God that is merciful and have unconditional love for his creation and for his children (John 3:16-17)  

This road of singleness has taught me how to rely solely on God and not people.  Growing up I developed self-esteem issues and became depressed due to my father's transition. I was raised in a loving godly home with my family speaking life over me and praying for me but that the end I had to say and believe those things for myself: that I am fearfully and wonderfully
made, that I am smart, creative, ambitious, driven, a child of God. Externally I didn't exude those things because I allowed myself to let what the world dictate who I should be and what I should do which was people pleasing.

I was so desperate of keeping people in my life that I would comprised and wouldn't do the right thing and that thing for me was to say "NO". Not just to others but to myself; "No Jeanine, you are going to finish what you have started", "No Jeanine, You will NOT settle for just anything:"No Jeanine, you are going to tell that young man NO and keep yourself pure", "NO Jeanine, you are NOT your PAST even... if it was the night before"."No Jeanine, YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES YOU STRENGTH!"

So how can I move forward with this Year 14? I 'll say this, I am not bitter, I am not sad, or angry because God has not given me my Boaz or Adam or whoever because God's timing is ALWAYS the BEST.

Just like a baby growing inside of its mother's womb, it has 9 months to grow and develop healthy.  If the baby comes out too soon, he or she will have complications and it will take longer for the baby to come home to his/her family. Or during trimesters, the Mommy-to-be has to be more careful of what she does; she can't be reckless or something terrible will happen to her and the baby.

When God puts you in a season of singleness or of solitude, He doesn't want you to be reckless because during this alone time, He is given us the opportunity to birth something amazing in our lives, something He has called us to do; work on ourselves, ministry, school, businesses, traveling, getting closer with Him while doing those things, etc! As much as I want the relationship, the marriage, the babies, I don't want to jump into anything until God says so.  If I were to meet that person that I am suppose to be with for however long God wants us to be together and we weren't suppose to date at that time, just like that premature baby, our development wasn't fully matured and we weren't ready for each other and things could possibly crash and burn. Or it could be that situation that starts out great but then gets super rocky super quick and then we have to go through all this

OR THIS ONE

heartache and pain before getting to where God wants us to be. OR I could just jump into a relationship and then catch feelings for the wrong dude. I know I know, every relationship has it struggles but man, didn't I say I have been single for 14 years, 168 months and 5,110 days?  I don't want neither scenario.

I was told to take advantage of this time and even though at times it seems to get tough and lonely, I can look up and ask the Father in Heaven and ask Him to comfort me.

Here's to you Year 14, let you ever be in my favor.

These Are My Confessions

During my 10th post, my brother asked me if I did this blog to educate/encourage others or is it for an outlet and I told him both but today this is definitely an outlet.  Today was an emotional day for me. My thoughts can be the death of me; I think about my current situation of my career, my finances, and of course my relationship status.  I was scrolling on FB and this particular day the posts that I see that people are making moves (not excuses) and living the life had me feeling some type of way.  One my Sorority Sisters has a blog out called "The Girl With Big Hair(IG:@TheGirlwBigHair) has a  post on Self-Care and one of those self-cares was to take a break on Social media.  Which I have said in a previous post and what I have done from time to time because its certainly needed. You can get so overwhelmed with people and their business....it's just best for your mental and emotional to take a TIME OUT of social media.


So this post is about confessions and yes my title was inspired by Usher's Confessions and since this blog is #13yearsandcounting, I am going to share 13 out of my many confessions.  By the way, some people may think this is TOO personal and I shouldn't put ALL my business out there but this helps me out.  As a Single-Introverted lady, writing my thoughts down de-stresses me and if you want to get biblical with it John 8:32 says "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free". Even though this scripture is talking about Jesus, the feeling when telling the truth  indeed frees you.. James 5:16 says "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The urgent request of a righteous person is very powerful in its effect". Confess is the keyword.  Holding on to mistakes you made or if someone has offended you (whether big or small) is not going help you with  the progression of life.  As I said in my previous posts that Jesus died for ALL OF THAT (In my up North accent).  If the God of the Creator of ALL things can forgive us, we can certainly forgive ourselves.

Confession #13: I have a stack of books that I haven't read yet. Not a big reader but I am working on it.

Confession #12  I ate out all this week.

Confession #11:  I still talk with "Dear Guy Friend" in hopes something would change God's mind but God knows what's best for me

Confession #10: I DO NOT LIKE DONALD J. TRUMP  AS PRESIDENT

Confession #9:  I sometimes put myself in comprising positions

Confessions #8:  I "gospelize" secular music

Confession #7:  Depression is real and I deal with it at times (I've gotten WAY better Thank you JESUS)

Confession #6:  I have a guitar that I asked my mother to get me for Christmas almost 7 years ago (maybe more) and I don't know how to play it

Confession #5: I don't study my Word as much as I should

Confession #4:  I don't like being pressured when committing to something but I can do the pressuring (double standard I know)

Confession #3:  My 14th year of my singleness is coming up in a couple of months and still no prospects

Confession #2:   I am such a movie fanatic that I decided to work at a movie theater

Confession #1:  I LOVE CHICKEN WINGS

THESE ARE JUST SOME OF MY CONFESSIONS

Sin's a Hell of a Drug

Rest Well Rick James:(

Remember Dave's Chappelle's Comedy sketch show called  "Chappelle's Show"? Remember He had Rick James on his show and one of Rick James famous quotes on there was "Cocaine's a hell of a drug".  Well I am here to tell you that Sin's a Hell of a Drug.

Rest Well Whitney :(

I have never taken illegal drugs before, but I have seen the effects of  them with people and it doesn't look good at all. I see that when people take cocaine, ecstasy and whatever other drug that is out there to get you high, it gives you a good feeling and takes you to a place where your mind wouldn't normally be at but over time, it will break down your body to the point of death if nothing is done about it.

Sin is something VERY similar to drugs. It is very tempting to do; it may look good, taste good, and make you feel good for a moment but eventually it will bring you to a place of depression, sorrow, and a WHOLE LOT OF GUILT.  For instance,you have Adam and Eve (Genesis 3:1-24) living it up in the garden of Eden, PARADISE. God has allowed them to have everything that they want and need, but the one thing that God instructed them (Adam) to not eat of the tree of knowledge of Good and Evil. Now the question that some folks would ask and me playing devil's advocate is why did God put that tree in the garden in the first place? Hmm...maybe because He's God and He can do what He wants or maybe to see if Adam and Eve would actually obey Him...idk, you would actually have to ask God.  That is one interesting thing about God the Father, we will not understand everything that He does but just know that what He allows to happen or what He allows NOT happen is FOR OUR GOOD (Romans 8:28).

So in this story of Adam and Eve, we know that the serpent, the enemy, Satan decides to speak with Eve and ask her "Did God really say, You must not eat from any tree in the garden? (Gen. 3:1 niv)" Let's pause right there for a second. God told Adam and Adam told Eve not to eat from this particular tree and then someone else came in and say "Did God really say...".  You can get so many messages such as why did the serpent go to Eve instead of Adam? That shows one thing about Satan, he is the author of confusion because as Christians, we know that marriage is set up as God, Husband then Wife.  I am sorry (not sorry) ladies out there that are controlling and not submissive and want to be the man in the relationship; Like Eve, you are way out of order. Also two other things stuck out to me; One, Don't let any ole body be up in your relationship because they could be just like the snake slithering around causing trouble (that was for the Christian Couple courting and the married). And two, KNOW THE WORD OF GOD YOURSELF.  If God says thou shall not kill, don't kill. If God says love thy neighbor as thyself, do it! Don't allow the Enemy to confuse you and say to you "Did God really say don't covet your neighbor's wife" or "Did God really say that homosexuality is an abomination to Him? " The Devil is sneaky and he knows your strengths and struggles.  He doesn't care about your strengths, all he wants to do is prey on your struggles so you...we won't please God and be that living and holy sacrifice that we need to be (Romans 12:1-2).

Jesus Christ is known as the "Second Adam". The first and original Adam brought sin into the world but Jesus our Lord and Savior beat and defeated the enemy, the grave, and death so He can save us from our sins (John 3:16-17).

I just want to encourage everyone who is reading this is that whatever you maybe struggling  with, just know that JESUS IS THE ANSWER.  While He was here on this earth, He healed many people from the blind man, to the man with the many demons inside of him, to the lady with the issue of blood. I always say in my prayers, if you did it for Womanizer King David, you can do it for me, if you did it for Prostituting Rahab, you can do it for me, if you did it for Persecuting Saul (Apostle Paul), you can do it for me, if you did it for Denying ole Peter, you can do it for ME! And if He can save and love one of his daughters that struggles through her singleness and not allowing Him to be my comfort or as I say Cuddle Buddy, He can certainly do it for you! The Almighty God that brought His ONLY beloved Son to come into the world and save us from our own destruction LOVES US THROUGH IT ALL.