Dear Guy Friend

Dear Guy Friend,

For so long, we would enjoy a good laugh, intimate conversations, and a little bit of flirting. However I have a confession, I have been using you. Because of this extensive wait of the right one to come around, I get a little lonely and I can get a little bored.  So I entertain the thought of you being him and at times, I get so wrapped up in those thoughts, feelings begin to develop and then I become attached knowing that there is a 50/50 chance that you aren't the one. And sometimes I actually already know you aren't the one because I either consulted with God or He will flat out tell me "NO". 

So its kinda me wasting OUR time with all the face time chats, FB messengers, IG DMs, Groupme and whatever form of communication we decide to choose that day. I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy talking with you and I am sure its mutual however you won't be hearing much from me anymore. It's not quite fair that I occupy ALOT of my time with you and not with Jesus.

I know you probably saying "oh here we go, she's one of those girls that calls Jesus her husband". Well technically, He is my husband because I am the Bride (The Church) and daily, I need to cultivate my relationship with Him and not have unnecessary distractions in my life.  

I owe us both an apology.

Yours Truly,

Not yours 

Has anyone been in this situation before? Wasting time on people that may have your best interest but not the one to continue to invest your time into? For years, I would be in this cycle of talking with multiple guys, at the same time: not dating, just chatting, filling that void that can be easily filled with my time with God.  The Apostle Paul mentions about singleness in 1 Corinthians 7 and how he would wish that the people in Corinth would be single but he understands the burning sensation to have sex, you might as well get married. He's NOT saying get married to have sex but if you are courting (dating to marry) and that couple is FEELING THE FIRE OF PASSION, then go ahead and get married, because it is better to marry than to BURN. 

For those who maybe in my situation where I would occupy myself specifically with men, don't do it.  This is the time where self-discovery is taking place.  I thank God for these men, because they are helping me learn more about myself and understand more of how men think especially when they say they are interested but not the degree I would want them to be interested. 

Side Note: when I get the chance I will do the VLOG version of this post. 

                                                                     

https://youtu.be/uimb_loeowE

Message version of 1 Corinthians 7:1-9

1 Corinthians 7The Message (MSG)

To Be Married, to Be Single . . .

7 Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations?

2-6 Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.

7 Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.

8-9 I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can’t manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.

https://youtu.be/uimb_loeowE

The Interview

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For my 5th post I decided to vlog my post. I had so many technical difficulties but I managed. Hope you enjoy! Please like, comment, and share!

 

 

 Click here to watch

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10154681872612086&id=500067970

The Flesh Is A BEAST! Or Is It?

"But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other." Galatians 5:16-17

A while ago I purchased a t-shirt that said "The Flesh Is A Beast".  At times, I allow my fleshly desires to take over; whether it be wanting to have sex, allowing fear to grip me, and being lazy; not doing the things that I should be doing to help me go forward.  Tonight I wanted to stay home and not go to church for bible study because I was "Too tired". The Holy Spirit spoke to me and told me to cook dinner, rest yourself a bit and then go to church! Listen, I love going to church and hearing a great word and then going home to attempt to apply what I learned but man oh man, sometimes I just want to be home and CHILL. 

I went to church because I was being obedient and I also went because, I was hoping to see my brother there so he can ask our sister if I can come over the house so I can use her charger because I left my charger at work and all three of my electronic devices are dead, so I am left without an alarm system; I really would have to depend of the Holy Spirit to wake me up and wake me up on TIME! By the way, I didn't see my brother....Holy Spirit, BE AN ALARM CLOCK! 

Side Note : I am not rambling, I am setting this up to what I am going to say.  

So, I went to church and it was a special service at the church and so there was a special guest Pastor which was the Bomb.com! He Preached on going deeper and if we want the overflow of God's blessings for us, we have to go deeper in our praise, worship, studying, spending time with God, etc.  All the stuff that I know.  I told you that the flesh is a beast right? We know that a beast is strong and have power but the flesh... What does the flesh do? Better yet, what is the term "Flesh" mean  in Christian Lingo?  I went to www.GotQuestions.org which is a pretty good site to look up questions about the bible and anything else dealing with the Christian religion and I typed in "What is the flesh?" and it gave me this long explanation of what the flesh is (you can read it on your own time) and read the definition of it and here is the part that I want to point out:

"...all parts of the body constitute a totality known as flesh, which is dominated by sin to such a degree that wherever flesh is, all forms of sin are likewise present, and no good thing can live.”

Dominated by sin, all forms of sin, and no good thing comes from the flesh or living in the flesh.  Galatians 5:19 writes out a list of things when living in the flesh: sexual immorality, jealousy, fits of anger, divisions, orgies, idolatry, just to name of few.  So when in Christ,  we live by the fruit of the Spirit that is stated later on in Galatians chapter 5 (22-23): Love, Joy, Peace, Long suffering also known as PATIENCE and there are 5 more.  

I literally grew up in church.  No I am not a PK (Preacher's Kid) nor a Minister's Kid but I do have a Grandmother and Mother who was a single parent for half of my life that LOVES the Lord and took my brother and I to church every time the doors would open. So I knew how to CHURCH: I knew how to close my eyes to pray, lift up my hands, sit down when I was suppose to, stand up when I was suppose to, but over the years that I have been growing closer to God, that my relationship with Him was always on the surface.  Have

you ever been to the beautiful vast ocean where there's the sand, then the area where the water meets the sand and the further you go in the ocean, the deeper it is.  Now I am not saying that my relationship with God is on the sand or where the water meets the sand but a lot times I just enjoy being there instead of being immersed in the water. I know how to swim ( I LOVE THE WATER) and as of now I am slightly overweight and out of shape, so when swimming, I get tired quicker than I normally would. Especially when I am deep in the ocean, when those waves are getting aggressive, and me trying to swim against them is the hardest ever. 

What I have learned about myself is that I can get very lazy and I want to give up quickly AND I don't like pain.  Hence me being overweight and out of shape.  That goes the same for me spiritually: When I don't take the time to exercise my spiritual muscles in worship, prayer, and fasting, I allow my flesh to grow stronger.  So when desiring a man or allowing my insecurities to takeover, I know that I have to get into the Word and get in God's face quick, fast, and a hurry!  

When I am facing obstacles in my life, at times I don't feel strong enough and that might because God is allowing me to go through a test and He is giving me the opportunity to grow in that area. Other times it is the same things that I struggle with and it is all because I am not allowing myself to go deeper where I have to work a little more harder than before; to be on my knees a little longer than before and to turn over my plate without any distractions. 

I don't have to allow my flesh to take over me because I am a Child of God and for that I am a new person (1 Corinthians 5:17)  and the old things are gone...DEAD! So why let myself get caught up into dead things? Dead stuff can't do nothing to me because it's DEAD! But I am human. I am also a Spiritual being that is just living in this body. I am so happy that I was obedient to God to go to church tonight to hear that message because the Lord spoke to me through that message and directly to me:

1.  GO DEEPER JEANINE. God has like a serious calling over my life and me being where I am now, is okay, but I know I have to go even further to where God can take me to the places where He is going to take me and use me the way He wants to use me.

2. ITS NOT YOU THAT'S PUTTING THOSE THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD, ITS THE ENEMY.  When I go out to public places (church, hanging out with friends, etc.) my mind tends to wonder of if my husband is actually in the same room with me.  For 99.9 percent of the time, I go to places with good intentions and not think about that, I just have my mind set of that event. Tonight, the Lord spoke to me and told me, it wasn't me but indeed the enemy.  The Devil will twist what God has for you and pervert it and him knowing my desire, he turned it to make me out a weirdo.  Not saying that I don't think about that which I do and have my moments of thinking about him and I and yes I pray for my husband (Dear Future Husband) but on the level of it being the top thought in my mind when I see men and it pressing like someone is pressuring me to do something I don't want to do (BULLY)  is where I know it's the Devil.  

I needed to hear BOTH words tonight! 😄😄😄

Attached Too Soon

So as you can see, I like pictures and with each post, I will do my best to have pictures to describe what I am saying because I am a visual learner and I think it would be more entertaining to see pictures while reading like, an adult picture book (lol). So as I was looking for a picture about being "attached", I thought about duct tape. I was looking for the perfect picture and then I came across this image that said "The Duct Tape Challenge". So, I went on YouTube and looked it up and what I saw was pure foolishness. Far from the fire challenge and the cinnamon challenge but this was silly as well.  

Please take the time and watch this short video as I paint the picture for this post.

So yeah. What did you think of it? REAL SILLY RIGHT? I mean first of all, GRAVITY! Then, she has to take all that duct tape off her skin and from her mouth! Having that type of adhesive on your skin/hair...the pain...ugh! Whether you take it off fast or slow, IT'S GOING TO HURT!

The next picture I am going to show you is the result someone that went through the duct tape challenge. Please be advise, this picture isn't pretty  

Once again, HOW SILLY and FOOLISH is this challenge? He looked like someone beat him down badly!

Well, with men that I have dealt with, this is what I look like in the inside because I was attached too soon.  I  admit, a guy that would give me just enough attention, my mind would just go the running! "Ohhh, this is BAE right here. He's saying the right things, he's giving me attention. We have great conversation, he's giving me attention. He has express himself that he's interested and he is giving me attention....He's giving me ATTENTION. That's all.  Why did I allow myself to get so caught up so quickly? Maybe its those darn Disney Movies, especially those princess movies when the Princess daydreams about the Prince and when they see each other they fall instantly in love.  Listen! Movies and music can sway your emotions and subconsciously take over and think you're  that character....No, its just me? Okay.

"I know you I walked with you once upon a dream"

Or maybe it was just the desperation to have someone that kinda sorta knows me and says, "Hey, I'm feeling you". Sometimes, that wasn't the case; there was one who I allowed to consume my thoughts because for some crazy reason I thought, he was my husband and for years I was emotionally attached to him and not once did he express himself on that level. How silly is that? (Duct tape Challenge)

And don't you just roll your eyes at people that says that he or she says that "Oh, that's  my Husband/Wife and God did not confirm that with you and/or with that other person.  Now I will tell you this, I know a few young women that spotted out their husband and said that "That's my husband" and time went by and indeed that was their husband. I know the scripture says that "He that FINDS a Wife...(Proverbs 18:22)" but I  know  for sure that God speaks to and use both men and women (Acts 2:18). I also know that whatever God speaks to you, it's not for everyone to hear.  He may give us a word or a dream about something or someone and He may not want us to share that specific thing at that moment but for you to just watch Him work!

How many of us have been hasty to jump into something especially if we THINK that God has giving us the green light? *Raises Hand* Then when we try to pursue that thing/person, eventually we will end up like the duct tape challenge guy, looking foolish and bruised. I have allowed myself to be duct taped too many times and honestly, I think I have built a tolerance to it....nah, it still hurts like crap but I bounce back quicker now because it has happened so many times. It's like going for a job position that you want so bad and you think you are qualified because you have learned the science of the position and for whatever reason you get denied.   Denied.....rejection. It hits the core. Who wants to be rejected by something or someone they desire?  As the saying goes "Delay is NOT Denial".  The things that God has said NO to or has not allow to happened yet has protected us over and over and over and OVER again!  With all these years of singleness, it feels like I have been denied of something I desire but as I said in my first post, God's timing is perfect and He knows what is best for His children.

Last thing. Today, I heard a message from the Bishop (T.D. Jakes) and he was talking about Jonah and he mentioned in his message that he realized that the story of Jonah wasn't about Jonah helping Nineveh but Nineveh helping Jonah and his issues. I will link the sermon below because that sermon was AWESOME.  Basically he was saying that God allows situations and people in our life to help us in the areas that we have issues in. That is a word!   

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkNvcIuPybA&t=5675s

  

Psalm 46:10a

"He says, "Be still, and know that I am God..."

Road Trip

Before posting my first post for this blog, I was looking for a background that was appropriate.   I saw one background that was pretty cool and it had a compass, not necessarily any meaning to it or I can just come up with one with about searching or being guided but then I found this one that had an open wide road with a van on the road and when I saw that I was it was like a light bulb turned on! A road trip! A road trip is exciting because you are exploring places you have never been and with pit stops you may meet interesting people. It also can be exhausting because you been driving/sitting in a car for so long and you just want to get to your final destination already! 

Well, that's how I feel on this 13 year (and counting) journey of being single. I have been to places I have never been before and I have certainly met some interesting people along the way, I am just waiting to get to that final destination of settling with one that God has for me.

It has been 13 years and 5 months since I have been single.  I am 31 years old and I have not been in a relationship since my senior year in high school. Can you believe that? I am too awesome not to be someone's greater half but here I am, blogging about my singleness. At a point I thought something was wrong with me and why I could have been overlooked for so long. Well, there have been men who showed their interest but they were just getting out of a relationship/marriage, wasn't quite interested in a relationship or something missing all together with them and so I couldn't go forward with those.

Before I became single, I was with my EX for two years.  We met when I was 15 years old at a youth ski retreat: both of our churches went together. On the trip, we dialogue and eventually exchanged numbers. After the trip and three days later he asked to be his girlfriend and I accepted. My mom didn't care too much of him but I was in "love". Two weeks before my senior prom, I broke up with him because I "fell out of love" with him.  He never treated me wrong, it was my feelings that deterred me away from him.  I can't remember specifics because it was so long ago. Days after the break up, he asked me to give it a try and so I did and after a few days later I told him it couldn't work out because I still felt the same way. After that, I got in the car and started to ride on the road of singleness.  

This road that I have been on has been bumpy, smooth and sharp turns that I almost fell off the cliff but because I serve a God who cares about ALL OF ME, IN SPITE OF, has covered me in ways that you wouldn't know unless I had told you:  Heartbreaks, one-night stands, multiple stands and a pregnancy scare, I have endure this road trip. Just to feel wanted and looked at beyond "That cute goofy girl that makes me laugh" and, I wanted to "feel good" as well. But now looking at all those "Situationships" that I was in... By the Way according to google a situationship is basically a pseudo-relationship. A placebo masking itself as a formative relationship. It smells like a relationship, it sorta looks like a relationship, and it may even feel like one, but it's not. 

 But going back to what I was saying, looking at all those situationships that I was in, made me realize that I wasn't trusting in God enough (or at all) to be all that I would look for in a man.  What do I want in a man? I want him to make me laugh, provide for me, protect me, LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM, Flaws and All and guess who does that for me now and have always done for me? GOD! He definitely makes me laugh, especially when he protects me from situations I am not even suppose to be in! Also, He is my Jehovah Jireh (Genesis 22:14), my provider, He is my Jehovah Nissi (Exodus 17:15), The Lord who Fights and Wins my battles, and of course He loves me for ALL of me (John 3:16-17). He let his Son become the sacrificial Lamb for ME! THAT'S LOVE! For someone to die for YOU in spite of your faults and shortcomings.

 Man....That's what I want in a man and God has all that: When I am feeling lonely, He comforts me with his still voice and his Word. When I am driving long distance, I would turn off the radio just to speak to him and/or listen to Him. But daily I am making a conscious decision to spend time with my 1st Love, my Husband (because I am the Bride/Church) , My Homie, My Savior, My friend, Jesus :-D. 

Let me tell you! and I am sure that if some other Christian Single Women (especially if they honest with themselves) the STRUGGLE IS REAL: Sex before marriage is hard especially if you already had a taste of it and the whole settling thing....we want to be with the one that God has for us but we want to be cuddled up, have long conversations with, that attention from a man so sometimes we settle and we let those feelings loose focus on who can do that for us....GOD. 

I was told it is another ball game once you get married and Lord, I am being patient to make sure JEANINE LEAH HILL is getting life together. I know that I won't be perfect, who will and who is? But my mind, my mind will be in the right place to become someone's wife. This road trip though...

 I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.  Philippians 3:14(NLT)

Click here to Reply or Forward

The Prologue

This past weekend was B-CU's (Bethune-Cookman University) Homecoming and this year as a 7 1/2 year Alum, I decided to go to an Alumni Party.  Totally not my scene at all: I am the type of gal that likes more intimate/smaller settings like lounges and bar-restaurants. This particular party and those who are Wildcats know what I am talking about when I say this; the party reminded me of a gym party that I had to pay for and adult beverages were being served.  I told myself I would make myself have a good time because one, I paid to go and two, I was FINE! I mean, I did myself up so well, I still have multiple selfies on my cellphone of me trying to figure out which picture was IG and FB worthy. 

While I was at the party, I saw an old friend of mine that we use to chat and hang during my undergrad years. He totally kept me company and it was cool. As we conversed, we asked the normal catch up questions, "So where do you live?", "What do you do?", "What was your major again?" and of course the ultimate question popped up because we are 30 and up, "Are you married?" He asked if I was married and/or have kids and I said neither and I asked him the same question and he said both. So after we talked some more, he asked this question and I have heard this through out the years, "Why are you still single?"

I would try to look deep in my single bag and try to dig up some answers as to why I could be possibly single but I couldn't give a straight answer. People would ask me, "Is it your choice that you are single?" and Now, I just answer with "You gotta ask God about that".

Last night I came across a Heather Lindsey video about struggling with your single life and she mentioned about our "Adam sleeping" during our single season. What she meant was that during our single season, the one that God has for us, spiritually, he is not awakened to seeing that woman as pursuing her to date with purpose/courting.I mentioned that because as the younger folks would say my phone/text messages, fb messages, and DMs be DRY and what I mean by dry is that there hasn't been anyone trying to hit me up and say "Wassup, wanna hangout?" NOTHING! Well, I get the occasional guy friends I would talk to but none were interested in pursing beyond our conversations. I felt like and sometimes still do feel like no one can't see me as a potential BAE, Wife...Nada.   But needless to say, God has me where I am for a perfectly good reason and I am FINALLY choosing to take advantage of this time of SINGLENESS. And yes I changed my voice when I typed SINGLENESS. Can you hear it? Maybe not but yeah.

God has placed it on my heart to tell my story of my single life through blog and the title of this blog is called 13 Years and Counting. It's been 13 years since I have been single.... yes ONE-THREE!

13 years is a long time y'all, however, I just know that God's plan is better than my plan and his timing is absolutely PERFECT!

"Wait for the Lord; Be strong and Courageous. Wait for the Lord"

Psalm 27:14 HCSB

PS. I told you I was FINE!