Reflection

Man oh man has it been a while since I've posted a blog (posted recently last week) and tonight, I went through the majority of my 26 posts on my blog and wow...it appears I have put myself on a serious emotional roller coaster. I am 100 and 10 percent sure that I am not the only one, I am just the one who is putting it out on blast. throughout these 15 years of singleness, I've learned at least three things about myself throughout this journey:

#1 EVERY MAN AIN"T YO HUSBAND!!! Good God almighty Jeanine, they are not your husband! Sorry guys but I have to talk to myself because I really do be bugging sometimes. I am a Christian Lady that desires a long time commitment, an entire marriage. I have married friends and marriage is no joke; it is not for the weak and I believe if you are weak minded, as in if you haven't mentally prepared yourself for a LIFETIME commitment with another person, then you shouldn't even consider. I am not saying I am weak minded but from my past and recent experiences, let's just say I need a little more time and I am OKAY with that. I am NOT in a rush to meet someone (not anymore) and married them off. It's not a wise thing to do and I really try not to make this blog longer than what it is so onto #2.


#2 I have to learn to enjoy the moment. Confession time. a few months back, a Gentleman and I were inquiring a relationship but we JUST started to hang out. We did get close real quick and while we were hanging, it felt like we were already in the relationship even though it wasn't official...aka SITUATIONSHIP. He is slightly older and has children. Side Note: I've never said this on the blog but my desire was never to be a step-mother/bonus mom and in a blended family. You would think that would be selfish or slightly impossible because there are a lot of men that have babies. But there are also a lot of men that don't. I know I would be a bomb "Bonus Mom" as Jada Pinkett-Smith would say but my desire is to start my own family and it's NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

But back to my point. I got so excited about the newness of it that I didn't allow myself to see certain crimson flags waving in the air. Please don't think I am bad mouthing dude, I am not, he is a great man and father and the time that we had together was wonderful...until I went away for the summer. hmmm

I also think about this, what if another guy comes along, will I behave the same way? Lawd, I hope not. I refuse to too. From now on, I want to develop healthy relationships with the opposite sex. If we agree to be friends, LETS BE FRIENDS...I am giving this advice to myself!

But yeah! Learning to enjoy the moment. Not forcing the moment; making sure that things flow organically.

and #3 Living my life! For the past few years, there have been setbacks that I had encountered that would prevent me from traveling and exploring new ventures. What I could do I did though: I picked up painting as a hobby, I sing the best that I can at karaoke, I hang out with my girlfriends and have a few drinks (well one or two the most for me) and just try to have a good time without things I can't control worry me. Also, I am such an introvert. I do not mind going to the movies or anywhere else by myself. Believe that!


I am a free bird, I am single as a dollar bill, and I am thankful and grateful that God has allowed me to make it this far! I have goals to accomplish and lives to impact. I am guessing in the mist of all that my best fran will come along. But #DearFutureHusband if you happen to be reading this, I'm getting it together. There is no need to worry because I will be where I am supposed to be, at the right place at the right time.

I still believe in Love...Hopeless romantic

                                            

An Overwatered Rose

How do you know when you have overwatered a rose? 

1. They are wet and wilting.                                                

2. they have brown leaves.

 3. Edema. Small translucent, fluid-filled blisters...yuck. 

4. Yellow Falling leaves

 and 5. Root Rot. 

Those who are experts aka the Green Thumbers (yeah I said Thumbers) know that overwatering a rose or any plant can kill it.  Planting is a process. It takes time.  Even before you plant the seed, it is a process. Before planting whatever you want to plant, you have to do some research; what season would the plant best be sown? Can the plant sustain artificial lighting or does it have to be outdoors only? Where do you want to plant it at? 

All of these things have to be considered before planting your seed. Well, I didn't. I didn't consider the season and I didn't consider when the flower bloomed how often I should water it.  I was just excited to have something new in my life that I could possibly grow into a beautiful thing. I've actually been in this position before to prepare to plant and grow but didn't remember all the rules. 

When planting to seed, whether in a pot or the ground, you have to ensure that it has plenty of sunlight and properly water the timeline that you have to water it.  You don't stick your finger in the pot or ground to see if the seed is germinating, you just wait. You cannot force a seed to grow into a flower, it has to grow on its own terms. That's the natural way to do it. 

But when the flower does bud, you have a sense of accomplishment. You want it to be the best flower that it can possibly be. The requirement is to water the flower is once a week, maybe twice due to the heat.  

Summertime came and it got pretty hot, sometimes it felt overheated and what did I do to my beautiful roses? I kept watering them. I was overly attentive because I was afraid they will wilt and die.  I didn't allow it to breathe and let it soak up and enjoy the previous watering that I gave them, so they ended up dying anyway.

If you don't get it by now, I am not actually talking about a real rose, I am talking about a potential relationship that could have gone the route we thought it would go, or even just being great friends but because of the "overwatering" and not allowing things to flow and enjoy the growing process, it didn't work out. 

It sounds like I am blaming myself on this and sometimes I do...No one isn't perfect, we all have our flaws. And things could have been better if both parties would have just sat down, heard each other out to understand each other's point of view. Effective communication is so important, like yeah. 





I mean hey, it has been 15 years since I've been in a real relationship. I'm an amateur at this, I was only a teen when I was in my first official relationship. Also, getting to know someone who has similar interests when it comes to relationships leading towards marriage and as an individual who believed that dating is solely for marriage (WRONG THINKING), you get caught up looking into the future, instead of ENJOYING THE MOMENT.  

Great times were had and great lessons were learned. I'm growing, slowly but surely. 

Notes to myself (and if anyone else is in my predicament):

1. Enjoy life as it is

2. Have Fun and Be Attentive 

3. Be in the Present

4. Learn from your Past

5. You're an Awesome Person

Roller Coaster

                                              

"So why is it so exciting to be so scared?

Like feeling your heart roam through your body only to find its place in your hands

But you can't wait to get back in line

You gotta get on one more time

Can't wait to tell your friends about the drop, and how it looks from the very top

You see, rollercoasters, roller coasters are for people who have never been in love They want to know how it feels to just fall"

The lyrics above are from my new favorite band Tank and the Bangas' song "Rollercoasters". When I heard Rollercoasters for the very first time, I felt like I was singing it. Like, this is the story of my love life. 

BEST PLACE EVER!!!

I haven't been on a real roller coaster in years! I might have been in my 20s since I have been on one. I went on this mini roller coaster with a couple of my Sorority Sisters in Daytona but that didn't count. The last roller coasters I have been on was in Virginia at Kings Dominion Amusement Park.  

Most of the rides I have been on; like the Rebel yell, the anaconda, the volcano, the shock wave and the list goes on and on. When I am anticipating the ride, I laugh extremely loud until its time to scream and after that first drop, you can hear me on the top of my lungs, laughing and screaming at the same time!

Poor Baby

Now I am 32 and I know that I am not old at all but I am older and to think of getting on a roller coaster now excites me and scares me at the same time and that is just like being in love and pursuing a relationship; it excites me to find love and yet at the same time, it scares me! 

I have been in a few scary moments where I thought that the friendship was going to be more. I would literally have a mini panic attack because in my mind I am thinking, "is this the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with?" "What if I don't like him no more?" "What if I was just another stepping stone to the person he is supposed to be with?" "What if it was just temporary?" All of these "What Ifs" and not enjoying the moment.

But cut me some slack, 14 1/2 years is a long time to fly solo. I actually would think that there would be no one for me because of the way of the dating world is these days but I honestly don't think that.  

I am actually optimistic about my future love life because God gives us the desires of hearts IF we take delight in Him (Psalm 37:4). Taking delight in God is building your relationship with Him. Taking delight in His Word, studying it and applying it to our lives. God is in love with us with His unconditionally love and he wants our love, our worship and He wants us to be content in Him. 

God isn't a stingy God; He sees what's in our hearts and He actually gives those desires to us because He has purposed us during this time we are here in this life.  So that desire/purpose is to be married or building a non-profit in an urban area, whatever that desire or purpose is, we first become at peace in God and then He will give us the desires of our hearts. 

A while ago, I thought of opening myself to someone again is scary, but trusting in God that the wait is certainly worth it, I can get on again with confidence that I don't need to be afraid anymore, I can just ride.