My father died when I was 6 years old. That is not much time to develop a strong relationship. I vaguely remember him because after a certain point, my mother and him were not together and so my mother was a single parent of two. I do recall two times when he took me to the playground in our old neighborhood in NE DC but that's all. I remember the funeral. I can see it now, me standing by the coffin at the church, hearing someone singing Boyz-ii-Men's "It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday". After that, I don't recall too much except that during my early years as a youth, I would mumble and put my head down and according to some people I would always look "evil" Never knew why because at home, I was happy, so I thought.
Before putting out this post, I really wanted to go to a counselor to talk about the absence of my
father and how it affected me and other things that I just want to understand more. BTW, especially to the Black Community, I encourage US to go to a professional counselor and just try it out. We seem to internalize so much that we do things and we may not know why we do the things we do. As the Word of God says, "The Truth will SET YOU FREE". When I do go, I will definitely be blogging/vlogging my experience.
I totally thank God for him giving me wisdom and putting people in my lives to help me realize why I possibly do the things that I do because it could be the cause of my father's absence.
You are probably wondering why would this be an issue for me because if you have read my previous blogs, watched my vlogs, look at the posts I put on IG and FB or just know me personally, knows that I LOVE GOD! "Well, if God is your father and God is love, what would this be an issue Jeanine?" Well, from me looking outside-in and studying the Word of God that the father (earthly father) is suppose to be a representation of God the Father (spiritual): a teacher, a protector, a provider, and to show the God's love through it all.
I don't hate my father not being with my mother and leaving my brother and I at such an early age however it did make a strong impact in my life. From the first kiss to the present, I have been looking for love in the wrong place. None of those experiences I have regretted, even my first time with the young man that was real jerk to me. Yes, in my college years I had a relationship with God, but that tangible love is what I searching for those years, my father's love.
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| Johnnie Leon, the Film Maker and Jalyn Noel the Model |
I wasn't fortunate to have a father that supported me in my extracurricular activities like this Dad. BTW this is my Brother and my beautiful teenage niece. I absolutely love their relationship and I praise God that my big bro grew up to be the man of God, Husband and Father that he is today. Even though he didn't have our father, he was fortunate to have men in his life that were and still are great husbands and fathers!She has such a blessing in her life! She gets to know how men should treat her. She is getting affirm by a man everyday. She's never talked down to, she's treated like a princess with chores. Even now, with her 13 year old self, she prefers to just be friends with her guy friends and not be like her other friends chasing boys.
I while I was writing this post, I was looking for statistics on father-daughter relationships and I found this article from SheKnows.com entitled "The importance of the father-daughter relationship" and the author quoted this from another author
"A father's influence in his daughter's life shapes her self-esteem, self-image, confidence and opinions of men. "How Dad approaches life will serve as an example for his daughter to build off of in her own life, even if she chooses a different view of the world," says Michael Austin, associate professor of philosophy at Eastern Kentucky University and editor of Fatherhood - Philosophy for Everyone: The Dao of Daddy."
Additional to the support, father-daughter relationships gives an opportunity for them to share a creative skill with each other for something they will always remember like these three dads
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| Nicole Paris and her Dad |
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Benny Harlem and his daughter
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LaGuardia Cross and Amalah
"New Father Chronicles"
That would have been an awesome experience, but as a Child of God, learning to embrace an invisible yet powerful, loving, caring, quick to listen, slow to anger Father was a hard thing to do especially me being visual and kinesthetic learner. I have to see and feel love but God certainly does that for me every time I open my eyes in the morning and I have no issue of getting up on my own; just one of MANY things He does for me. As a youngin in Christ, I had my mother and my church family to guide me and assist with my relationship with God and I still get guidance but even back then, I felt like I had to learn on my own, to learn and know God for myself; and you have to learn God for yourself, as the old saying goes "you can live off of you Grandma's faith or religion...can't remember the exact words, but yeah....
Btw I love this picture of President Obama and His Girls
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Self Sabotage: Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals. The most common self-sabotaging behaviors are procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating, and forms of self-injury such as cutting
Why do I continue to do this to myself? Knowing what God has for me, and knowing what He has told me, its like self-sabotage. It's unhealthy the way our friendship has turned to and if the situation was in reverse, my heart would be heavy. I don't have much to say but you and I cannot be anymore and if we don't be friends anymore, its for the best.
